私らしく

遺書。

2011-11-23T18:00:00.001-10:00

古き思い出はいつか淡くなり
消えるばかり
思い出したくなくても、忘れたくなくても
砂に削る景色であり
心にも顔にも削るカガミ

後はこの祈り。

ああ心よ　世界を彩らせてよ　道を暖めてよ
そうすればきっと　幻の形が変わって
水面の向こうの　映した景色が平和に成る

My Planet

2010-05-02T21:26:00.002-10:00

It shouldn't be a crime to do many drugs, but it should be a crime to be addicted. Crime would entail rehabilitation in at least two optional methods. It would be on a person's record, but that would not have the same connotation as it does today.

A person's job may or may not be chosen for them, but most would have it chosen. No work would be for free (including domestic), but income taxes would be progressive. Taxes would be heavier on the young. A bonus would be given if audited and reports accurate within a certain amount. A fine for too much or too little.

One entity would farm or culture ingredients. Another would buy them, but also be forced to pay for any costs that deal with cleanup and replenishment. In turn, they sell to the manufacturers. Between manufacturers, there would always be another middleman. (I would have to think about the instance in mining.)

Schooling (trades and other such) would be free, but one would not be able to make money during that time period. Instead, one would receive a tiny allowance and access to certain areas for food and shelter. One may stay at home, but transportation costs would not covered. Books would be borrowed unless purchased by other means. Other materials would be provided for, but not allowed to leave campus grounds.

...the paper trails would be hard for me to understand. Because the cost of goods in some cases would go way up, more things would be shared than before. Perhaps people would have a membership to a clothes store to borrow rather than buy them.

Makeup would be considered drugs. Don't know what would do about sex. It would be a tax break to have children, and that would include adopting as well, but only if the youngest of a couple is 30 years of age or more. 22 to 30 would be no tax break, and 21 and below would be a tax increase (unless the child is given for adoption, either to friends, relatives, or some other method). Children as young as 15 would be able to legally leave home. Contraceptives would also be free, but abortion would be illegal, but the increased care for pregnancy would be free.

Pet and children supplies would be free, but all work towards them would not count as income. Maternity and paternity leave would be available at all jobs, however. Gifts and inheritance would be limited to a certain number value. Entities would not be owned by individuals, and thus, cannot be inherited. Same with houses and structures.

Moving would not be difficult, except for transportation costs. Since most things would not be private property, little would have to move. All broken furniture would have to be fixed and replaced as well, which can be paid by debt. Food and shelter in many areas would be free, however, but little else.

Keep Trying

2010-02-24T02:13:00.002-10:00

Love.

The hard answer for me to take. It's funny, really, since love and trust I take for granted, and yet, I am also unwilling to deal with. I am afraid of being hurt. And yet, somehow, I am sure this is because I was taught that if I'm not careful, I will get hurt too easily.

Perhaps this protection magnifies whatever I receive and throws it out of perspective. Perhaps I'm already like that to a minor extent, and this makes it worse.

He wants love and affection, but doesn't understand what interaction means. It is the opposite for me. Which is ridiculous, given that our personalities suggest the opposite.

Kiss From A Rose

2010-02-23T22:06:00.006-10:00

[indicates later notes or additions.]

It's rare that I'm able to be completely honest these days. I have felt the lack of freedom to say... when back before, I was so afraid to do so before. Perhaps I am still afraid. This is likely, but I cannot say which.

Even though I seem to have more honesty and self-awareness than just about anyone else I have ever seen (I could be wrong or biased, due to introversion, but it is nevertheless at least above average), I also have a need to talk. And yet, I have to be careful constantly. People can take what others say personally. I know that I am the most likely to do this, no matter what I wish. I am rather convinced that I have a psychological problem.

Nevertheless, problems must merely be overcome.

I have enough people listening to me, but they do not actually listen. Some do, some do not. Some cannot. Some dismiss what they hear, but listen for politeness' sake.

I am being forced to learn and... well, no one is forcing me. I am forcing, pushing myself. I push myself. I don't know who else is also, considering that I'm too busy considering that people will look to me as an example (when they apparently don't, and don't know what I'm trying to tell about themselves).

Perhaps the mirror is too distorted. Perhaps the mirror is too clear.

I find it crushed into me that perhaps my strongest points are possibly too strong. This is what I had been afraid of for all this time. Why I fear labelling myself as anything grand. Why I fear getting these labels. Jealousy not understood, but more that no one would understand what I am trying to say... what I feel.

Art... is something I have difficulty expressing in, despite the fact that I feel it strongly. Art, I understand, does not mean or feel the same thing for everyone. Creators or not, it is different. I experience it much like everything else... and because of that, I hide it more than anything else. My ability to see people and things through (I don't know whether or not it is anything spectacular) is easier to hide since I am not the type to talk and I know people are not the type to observe as I do. But art is meant to be observed... and for that, I hide.

What do I hide from? That... I wish I could label beyond direct anything. It would make more sense to accept my fear and head towards actually being able to handle it, rather than running it over as I usually do. But... the time, understanding, and freedom I would need to do this...

I suppose I assume that I have to do this on my own. I am used to assuming this, for many reasons. One is that I am alone for much of my life. Another is that I am naturally this way, to at least a strong extent. And the last... is because I am used to assuming that no one will be there for me... and that I cannot trust that anyone ever will be. I have never been proven incorrect so far. Perhaps because my existence and all I do defy people's expectations in both good and bad... meaning that they are unable to anticipate any needs I might have. What they think I need is not actually it.

For all our sakes, that it would be great if they could.

And... if I am still going for honesty, I know that I adapt too quickly, read too deeply. I consider my pain, another person's pain... weigh it out, weigh out how much more pain I am likely to cause them and myself... and then decide what I will do. And... it's how people can think I am cold sometimes. Because I care too much, I will accept whatever judgments people make initially, just because they do not see what I do.

I wish... I could describe what I see. I mean, I do sometimes, but people don't understand. And that... I wish I could be understood, sometimes. I am uncomfortable when I am, but it almost never happens anyway [ignoring readings, which others have more power to do]. For the most part my path takes me this way, as I know there are many that would understand. I can hear them, I can read about them. I am in a rather unlikely position for a person like myself to appear.

I want to be the person I could be. And yet... I also want to throw everything away and be "normal." But I know... I have no choice. I have a choice, and yet, it is never much of a choice at all, because I can never be "normal" without "dying." At that point, I'm much better off frying my brain with drugs, because it would be the same result.

I want to grow spiritually. I can feel that it is important, that I need it badly. Even if it will take me farther away, it will allow me to get closer. I need it for many reasons. One is that it is one of the only ways I will ever gain/maintain an equilibrium. All the lack of it has given me is the reasons why I have no choice. Because as I normally am, I would never find my place in the world.

With it, I would begin to make one.

And yet, questions as to my identity come into play. If this is the ground where questions find their answers, where identity begins, where change appears, and where possibility becomes reality... What of my efforts all this time? What have I been fighting for? What have I been struggling to understand people and everyone around me for?

I throw my thoughts in song and feel them accepted. I feel I am not alone in this... I feel that this is something everyone runs into. Perhaps not alive, but everyone will.

Were they useless endeavors? What is the purpose of understanding and intelligence? Or is it perhaps... that this overtaking of spiritual will not be necessary later? We all try to find answers... and yet... when new technology or techniques appear, they become obsolete... But that cannot be true. And yet it is. Perhaps it is borne of our inability to be flexible...

Perhaps the ability to cause a revolution itself... would cause a revolution in our priorities when creating our identity. Then it would make sense that little of this is useless. But more that the priority is different. Then the structure of events... and the result would look very different.

This... this is true power. This is what people fear the most, beyond anything. This is the unknown, and I can feel it.

I never wanted to fear... and I never wanted power. But I did want to understand, since that was what I needed to combat my fear. I feared the unknown perhaps more than most people. Because of that, I had to understand. So little in the world made sense... that without it, I was without a ground.

Naturally... I am this way. People identify with the landscape, idols, and window shopping, but I... I do not identify with much of anything other than recognizing that the face in the mirror is not mine. And yet, because of that, I can identify myself with much more than most. Because by default, I do not belong. I do not, by default, feel or think the same way they do. It's just that I can, with practice and guidance.

And yet, I am human. I am not unique, because I have seen this face in other people, although they are not within my reach.

no title

2008-02-04T23:00:00.000-10:00

It's one of the few... or even the first time that I feel like I want, or need that intimacy. Sex is not required, but I feel like it's a part of it. I feel like I'm starting to understand what it is all about... at least on this level. It's still a small beginning, but...

It's probably in this that he leads me, since he seems to be the one that has a better idea of what it all is. Not a huge surprise, with as hard as his life is, he didn't associate sexual or intimate as anything bad or leading to disaster... or block himself from it all.

I get the feeling that naturally I still would not score high on the sexual scale... but not with the problems I have now.

For All We Know

2008-01-11T02:10:00.000-10:00

The intimacy scares me. I don't know what it is, but it's probably because it's so unknown to me... I can't imagine being so much more closer to anyone than close friends. The idea of being touched physically at all... is uncomfortable. The actual action is not so much so, but that doesn't mean I don't get nervous, since I don't know what to do or say -- restraint is something that is ingrained for me.

Not to mention that the hardest thing to me is seeing people look at me. That probably bothers me the most, since I can't really trust my friends to /not/ react. Restraint is easier than facing the consequences.

Here In My Heart

2007-12-14T04:48:00.000-10:00

In a way I understand, and yet I don't -- how can I be like this? I understand that I had to have been born with this, but in reaction instead of shrinking back like I want to, I end up snapping. I'm afraid, but the person I really am in this case... is not something I can consolidate easily.

Even to my mind I know it will not be like that -- the thought seeing him after all these years makes me smile just as I did, all those years ago. Even if nothing had happened, I know I would not be able to hide my reaction.

I've been talking to him a lot recently, telling him what I've known. Things I've tried to write down, but merely ended up being ignored as all other people take it as something incomprehensible... until they're in a situation that I tell them that it applies to. Anyway, I can tell that about half of it has stuck -- which is a lot higher than anyone else, especially when one considers that I stuffed him with as much as I possibly could...

I wonder if he thinks me wrong now. I really don't know why no one considers -- okay, nevermind. The answer came to me on that -- because the implication of me being right is very "troublesome," to say the least. For the same reasons that I had hoped that I myself was not right... even if it is a more elegant answer, it's very complicated in application... and very difficult to deal with.

Then again, it could have just been denial. Denial is an alien concept to me -- advanced disassociation is more natural to me, because the only way to get past my own awareness of myself is to make myself so messed up that I can't be sure what's going on... or what I'm supposed to and not supposed to think.

As for someone else, no matter how I think about reassuring him, I don't regret it. He needed to hear it and he can always shape up later. To be more cynical, it's not like it would have made him show up less or more anyway.

Certain problems I'm learning to be patient... even though I don't feel very patient about it.. Starting to feel less scared about the idea of people I haven't talked to in a while...

....

Ah, I think I know what happened now. I had been that way from the start, but was dealing with it well, even if I didn't fit in. Then things more or less shattered... and some of it continued to develop (my outward appearance -- what I rarely use), while my inner more or less froze to the point of regression. Because I no longer trusted people, my natural doubt went through the roof... and I let it go.

But I had a strange system, eventually -- I trusted no one, but I was cautiously careless -- I knew what I let out and let be seen by which eyes, all the time. It helped me be somewhat open, but in control and safe from betrayal (if I knew it could come, I could prepare). It's kind of hard to imagine using up that much energy and brainpower to do that, but I know I did.

After that, being on the internet and watching my personal information was relaxing. I guess it kind of explains why my regular abilities might be stronger and better now, if my priorities were so different then. But I don't know, since it was so long ago... and I had little to interest my focus and I had no tenacity.

Anyway, as a result I have this huge disparity in how I deal with people, all depending on how I feel.

You Give Me Love (cont.)

2007-11-13T00:11:00.003-10:00

Fate is a word I want to make obsolete.

You Give Me Love

2007-11-12T22:48:00.000-10:00

I want to strangle someone.

It happens sometimes, that my mood will flip out. I'm fairly certain what causes it. In some ways I hate being so responsive, but in others, I somewhat berate myself for being so callous.

It feels like I'm babysitting these people because they get all these ideas into their heads when all they have to do is learn to stand up and look straight ahead. Of course, easier said than done -- in fact, thanks to the world we live in, it's very difficult and oftentimes discounted as unfeasible or unreasonable.

Sometimes I see claws or knives... like everything about my hands and self are incredibly sharp and will cut people open without even meaning to, especially if I'm irate.

Sometimes I see wings... like I could fly in the right world, but unfortunately, not the real one. And as if my wings have a power to them that has nothing to do with flying at all, but everything to do with freedom and will.

I ask myself why is it only me, and not someone else too. But truly, there must be others. People with wings I cannot see, because people are good.... well, some are really so. They must have the power to change the world... but sometimes, I wonder if the people that exist will ever let them, or continue to be blinded by their own fates.

I feel like I'm spitting out Holic now when I say this, but it's something I've been spouting off even before that series came out -- when you change yourself, you can change time. Your past, your future, and even your present.

Even now, as I ask questions for myself, I can hear the answers, even as my ego wants to deny that they're there and just mourn and lament over this stale world....

ＰＩＫＡ☆☆ＮＩＣＨＩ　Ｄｏｕｂｌｅ

2007-10-14T02:59:00.000-10:00

叶えたい夢・・・広がらせたい希望の無限の可能の森
見つめてる夢・・・思いがけない未来の花びら
考えてる夢・・・想像できないぐらい真実という事の姿
悩んでる夢・・・手が届かなさそう感情や思いやり
怖い夢・・・成長のせいで、離れて行かなきゃいけない事
傷付かれている夢・・・自分の夢見てることがくだらない、と思わせる事

でもそうじゃない
自分が自分で、一つの人生の可能性の実行
そして他のは自分じゃない、自分にありえない可能性が叶う広い世界
他の道で、私が何を見てるのか解らないんだろう
自分が見えるのに、他の人は見えないらしい

そして希望の夢・・・自分にされて嫌な事を人にしないように

If I Ever Lose My Faith In You

2007-09-28T23:13:00.000-10:00

La la la
La la la la lalala
Lala la

For some reason, I feel closer than I ever have before... and I almost feel as if I need nothing more...

I Got You

2007-06-05T22:30:00.000-10:00

If I were to be brutally honest, Sassy (for lack of a better nickname) reminds me of myself. Not all the time, but enough of the time to matter. Tsundere (depends), prideful, and probably will never cry in front of the one they love unless they honestly believe that they'll lose them. At least, not before being settled or anything like that.

Unromantic would be another. My words still sometimes gets too blunt and unexpected for people. Stubborn, sometimes an ass, etc.... haughty sometimes... what other unattractive features can I add to this list? My looks aren't that smooth though... but then again, it's not like I care enough (the hassle is not worth it) to make them that way.

There's this hum in my head when I'm around him, but I can surpress it if I have to. Still, it seems cruel to do so. Like he'll dry up without the moisture. Maybe it's with that stuff that we don't question or doubt that much.... just ourselves.

Watching my own interaction with him is something that never ceases to bore me. I probably think it to death, but that's actually natural for me by this point. I do that for everyone else too, just no in the same way. Not on the same level, definitely.

It'd be a massive invasion of privacy even by /my/ standards if I were to try that with anyone else. Or maybe it wouldn't. I don't know, but I feel like I should keep my distance, because it's invasive to do that to someone else. To see more than just their heart and soul.

Maybe I should. Maybe then they wouldn't doubt whether or not I care... or if anyone ese cares. Maybe then all people wouldn't feel so separated. I don't know. I don't kow the boundaries between these kinds of things so well. Love, love, and love.

Perhaps the reason I don't do it because people would misunderstand what I mean. I guess all people can't tell the difference -- which is why there's all that drama -- I'm just one of the few that recognize their own lack right off the bat.

Under a bond like that, though, my face would change. I can't help it, and... it looks completely different. Probably impossible to smooth over, though, given how many issues each person has. *sigh* Ours were/are bad enough as it is...

In some ways, that feels more like the Christian belief of being related to someone beyond birth.

Love Me Tomorrow

2007-06-05T21:35:00.000-10:00

Somehow, I am not so bitter anymore. Somehow, I cannot help but see how these things happened, how they fell out... how they just... are, in my past.

Somehow my heart is somewhat of a boy's, and sometimes, it's uninterested at all. Sexuality was always overrated.

Sometimes I deny myself this, because I don't feel it's always very appropriate. But I get the feeling that doing so actually causes me tons of problems and awkwardness.

Who am I in my mind? What kind of sky do I see, and how old am I? I know I certainly don't have the heart of a man (hence the use of the term boy) and I'm closer to woman than anything else. But probably more accurately, I don't really have the heart of anything at all. At least, not like that.

I'm a person before gender, before sexuality. Much before.
I wonder if I'll ever have the confidence to balance myself on this subject. The meager amount that it's tipped in a given direction.

If I were a boy, would I be gay? *snort* ....Probably. What kind of bullshit question that implies, I'm not sure. In any case, I wonder if my guyish-ness has something to do with all of this... that is, my general disinterest. I never feel doubt that I'm female, though.... but no usual interest.

It's strange for me to talk this way on a journal -- more like how I talk in person. That is, in attitude.

I always feel so uncomfortable dealing with feminine girls. I feel like they are as uncomfortable with me as vice versa. A few are not, though. Well, that and people that strike me as more well-adjusted/normal to society. I'm a little too used to not being accepted by that... and even the normal version of the estranged.

Still, going back to the original subject that brought this all on -- romance. I want to see the face of my own romance, of what kind of flower it would bloom into and all that. It's partial curiosity by this point (after writing all of that, sure it is) and considering how I am, I won't know until it happens. Or even during months after, because we all know that I'm temperamental and moody.

I dislike him getting the brunt of any of it.

Adiemus

2007-05-12T21:53:00.000-10:00

I feel.... I finally feel like I can grieve for everything. Everything that's ever happened to me, that's... I don't know. I just feel like I can grieve now. And somehow, that feeling of grief seems to complete something.

Like I can finally grieve for the death of my past... not that it doesn't exist anymore, but that it doesn't live. I think I'm finally understanding the last emotion... or one of the last. There's probably a few others that I'm missing still, but this is one of those that are important to me.

I don't know where I'm going on from here. I don't think it matters how long it took me, or why. But... I feel like I understand. I feel like my dreams... are starting to make sense to me.

My sight... I think it was damaged. From the beginning, maybe, or maybe before I could remember, which could have been anytime up until intermediate. Truthfully, I always felt protected for that. Because then I couldn't see all sorts of things I shouldn't... or would just cause more problems.

Wings... a form of protection?

All For You

2007-04-24T00:47:00.000-10:00

I'm probably still undecided on what the direction to take in my life... which is perhaps not the most surprising thing ever. Still, I'm slowly gaining enough information and experience to make a decision in my heart without having to go over the edge about it. Until then, I don't feel exactly easy to meet with the religious group people. I understand that they'll be nice, but I don't feel ready.

Also, speaking of trust and confidence, you know that your boyfriend loves you when you cut him off on the telephone and give him an excuse like "I was dual-wielding on MS" the next day and it works. It's true, though.

And... I guess my drawing reflects how my attitude towards art itself has. It's less timid... less "colorless." I don't feel in shock, but more wonder. I wonder if I will actually be able to pursue art even more, to the point that I can be a "true" member of MB.

These days the voice of my own screaming is not as loud, and I can hear more outside... but even when I can't, I feel more at ease than before.

I just hope I get enough sleep.

Midnight Blue

2007-04-13T20:50:00.000-10:00

After all this, after all the... sunken depth, only here is where I begin to think about love. Other than then, I haven't been able to think of it. I feel the temptation to hate myself, to hold myself in disdain. But the truth is, is that I learned a lot for it. I feel more like I can act as myself more, instead of through my arrogance.

I feel like I'm learning the meaning of song, of people's emotions, of the mistakes that we all make, keep making, on and on without end or originality...

Part of this has taught me that life is so very precious indeed, and not just as a concept or moral to live by. I think... that after the first tower is torn down, a second, more understood one, can be built. It's with this optimism that I'd like to continue on with my life, and not deem it a failure.

To start with that, I want to do things that have a meaning for me, and not a 'waste of time/space'.

Affirmation

2007-04-11T01:41:00.000-10:00

The sky is going to turn me in half, in blue and black and white, and without... I'll see ghosts, hear words, hear the heart of the one I wanted most... all if i do this, if I do this the flowers will grow without even effort, except i will just be, without effort, i know what will be, where will i go, the world will change, will the world will change with me, or will i change it without it...

if i believe in myself, if i believe in my own worth, will everything.... do i need really... do i really need promises to bring me what it is that i need to do? I know what it is that must be done, because it is time that is coming to me... and everything around me will change, although i cannot say how long it will take with me...

this is what i wanted, because i wanted to make a difference in my life... the gift of language, the gift of sight, the gift of hearing, of senses, of smell, of feel, of imagination... of temporary insanity...

i'll get another headache before long. i know it, and i know why. this will be a shift deep enough to have repercussions that will give me a massive headache and messed up brain...

and that is why i wrote it. because i was going to die, like this. and this death... this change... will bring the future predicted... the wish that i dreamed... the wanting... the mixed conspiracies... the non-acknowledgment... the unknowing... but even still, the change will bring the change. the future. the beginning.

And now I realize... that the purpose of language will be very different from what I've been looking for, or even expecting.

[to be continued in matsukami]

私の太陽

2007-03-12T00:46:00.000-10:00

知らない顔の雲の空に上向く
太陽の分からない夜空の星たち
雫のように落ちる
春雨

Let Her Cry

2007-02-21T02:37:00.000-10:00

I wish words could describe what this is like. I can't purposely hurt, and I can't presume to bestow it. It just is, and it's stronger than me. Or somewhat. Actually, I could override it, but it's not beautiful.

And... it cannot be with the intention of hurting anyway, so....
Ah, I see. It wouldn't have been so strong unless.....
Unless this is at a deeper level than I'm aware of.

I know now, unfortunately. I will turn it off, whether I like it or not. I'll protect myself, whether I like it or not. And then... if anything should happen, it would be automatic... and only if I were told that it wasn't a good idea, then it wouldn't be completely cut off, but a definite stranglehold.

Beautiful Noise

2007-02-20T23:53:00.000-10:00

Things seem to be coming together, finally. At least solidifying a bit. Not feeling so fragmented right now, but not fully there yet. Just like it's starting to make its permanent stay.

At first, it was all I could do feel and think at the same time. Freely, with mobility and flexibility. But now as I'm reading more, I find my back seeming to come back to my heart. Like I can be standoffish /and/ feel at the same time -- a harder feat than I would originally think. At least, without a block.

I can feel my uneasiness too at the same time, which is new. It's not that I couldn't feel it, but it didn't register in the same way. It didn't process entirely, like it seems to begin to now. And when I think about the person I am now with what I can do in terms of what I had wanted, I feel grateful.

It's bad enough as it is to feel like I can't think. What torture someone else above me would go through... again, this is not exactly a coherent post. I'm not in the most coherent mood... even though I'm able to identify (slightly) what's going on.

Love Life

2007-02-18T02:38:00.000-10:00

Currently debating whether or not to post it (the previous poem) on DA, but currently, the sentiment is "no," not out of embarrassment, but more that it's personal and hard to explain. The image is generally, "I'm in love." I'd like to write more of any sentiment / emotion that comes to mind, though.

I dance (more like spin) around the forest of my dreams
Someplace I've never been, but you brought me here (and gladly I am)
Touch the river (stream, brook) and see the fish before they swim
Our fingers touch below the cooled depths, it's just a dream
But it's real to me; I cry and I feel the tears through the rain (it's a rainforest, after all)
Taste the saltiness of the sweat in the sky, watch the cold ice of the stars
Farther from where I am now, but when I am not here, I will be (as always)
You touch me and I doubt you believe, but then I look up in your eyes
And I realize that you always have
and I was wrong
And I wonder why I'm competing or comparing at all --
Why can't we just be two people who love? (it's not for me)
For honesty's sake
for happiness's sake
For the sake that I have been in love with you from almost the beginning
Although I have no memory of it starting, and I remember it not being love at all
In benefit that I wanted to prove
I wanted to believe in myself
To love myself as I have loved you, and do (still, always, forever)

http://matsukami.livejournal.com/255713.html

Destiny

2007-02-18T00:51:00.000-10:00

I've forgotten how it feels to write poetry. I like doing it... and it helps, like free prose. First song played was "Sunny Came Home," but it ended just before. So now it's "Destiny."

Sometimes I want to ask you what color the sky is,
but you would smile at me as if I were crazy
But I am

Sometimes I want to ask you what you taste like,
but you can't answer me, because I'm too afraid
And I am

And sometimes, I want to ask what it is that you see in me,
but even though I know, I don't want to
But I do

And sometimes, I want to dance in the skies as it rains of stars
and you will reach out to me and laugh in timeless pleasure
And you would throw my heart and wits farther than the wind's sigh
and the skies would light with dawn and love (although the stars sing too)
And I would wish upon the Venus that can be seen beyond the sky (sunshine or rain)
That you could see me tonight (and tomorrow), and smile
And cry if you need to, because I know I do
Even if I don't know how
I want to

(and I do)

ふたりなら

2006-08-24T22:33:00.000-10:00

The eyes that look for me; I want to see them in life.
The face that seems beyond the mist; I want to see the truth.
The words and breath that fade
The silence that prevades and the ache that hums like noise
Could I ignore this like before? Could I not ignore the change within me?

The eyes that begin to see the truth,
The fear, the wisdom, and the growth that cannot be undone;
The heart that begins to feel, no matter what the cost,
The gentleness, the weakness, and the touch that can no longer be ignored;
And I can only think, "I'm becoming something. Something different."

"What did I make myself out to be?
Why did I want to change?
What awaits me in heaven?"

Will I have the courage to learn what true happiness is?
The opportunity... that perhaps came to me more than just once.

The Downeaster Alexa

2006-07-25T20:38:00.000-10:00

It's becoming more and more common for me to be able to think of myself in more than just third person... to even the point that I can see myself from another perspective, as if I was someone else.

And it occurs to me... many things. Strange thoughts, almost like dreams, somewhat.

"Is it a sign of the connection to the need to do something that will develop the self that even when losing consciousness (awareness, that is), she will still do things that will be somewhat useful later?" (It's bulky in words... especially in English.)

And come to think of it, that's true. I consciously tried to imprint it on my mind when I learned of how my mind worked, and how certain things did certain stuff for me. Since it's frequently hard to quit something, I just modify it into something that I can get away with... or at least let myself get away with.

And it's with this, that I can really think freely in another language... and it's also that I finally can see the expression on another's face, their words... and begin to feel it as if it were my own.

Like my world has opened, and I'm no longer... ever...
Alone. Stupid... stupidly by myself, stubborn...

Like I don't have to read the words on a screen to be able to understand anymore. I can hear it, I can see it... and I can understand it in all its shapes and forms... Or at least begin to, as I am now. And I want to try.

I guess I'm not a born teacher, although I can do it really well. More like... a person that journeys. And hopefully this time, it's to a world that everyone exists in... just like I had dreamed of all those years ago, actually...

Amazing.... I "forgot" I dreamed of it...
But I did...

Small of Two Pieces

2006-05-31T01:41:00.000-10:00

I can only wonder what will happen after I acknowledge my own insanity... and my own abilities that surpass even my own hopes and fears. Things I knew, but required my delusions to acknowledge and use properly... Might not require that after I gain the abilities to believe and use them.

Things I dreamed of... things that I dreamed... things that I predicted.... things that I didn't even understand then...

They're all going to come in play.

... ... ...

God is there. Even if I can't feel him, he's there.
Just like the one I love. Even if I can't feel it, it's there... and it will always be.

It has always been the same to me, at the centermost points.

ハート

2006-05-25T00:33:00.000-10:00

My mood became... unable to be controlled after that incident. It wasn't the worst, it seems, but it did make it harder and more and more impossible for me to deal with people. Even though my first reaction is to go away from people, I didn't realize that it's apparently not running away -- I can't operate without being able to think or meditate away from people.

About the incident itself... I'd like to think of it as a sign that my heart is growing up. I won't say much more than that... because all is quiet.

Chase the Chance

2006-05-21T10:42:00.000-10:00

After talking with Koinu-kun, my fears are calmed, a little. I still see the same things ahead of me, but I somehow, I feel more like I know what it is that I must do to make my way for myself.

(I'll probably move this to LJ after.)

Dreams

2006-05-20T21:01:00.000-10:00

I've always heard dreams and such of people, but really, I don't feel a strong connection to such things. But recently I've found out that it's perhaps because these things are so normal to me that I think so little of them. In some ways, my dreams, my nightmares, my waking dreams, and my delusions.... are exactly what people were looking for.

My earliest dream I remember is something I remember crying and being scared of, but unable to tell my parents exactly why it made me sad/scared. It didn't make sense, but privately, it did. All my 'nightmares' were like that.

The first one I remember is a monster in the kitchen, forcing my parents to work. It was mean and it tied them from doing anything. I cried, unable to free them. I must have been about four or seven years old at the time. Another dream I had around that time was of water... and of some people drowning, my mom being afraid for me (since I can't swim), but I was not afraid. This one wasn't even a nightmare for me, but didn't make any sense to me. Still, it did tell me that I wouldn't be afraid... that much I knew.

The third I had was when I moved houses. I thought I was too old to be afraid for such dreams, but again, I couldn't explain to my mom why I was crying. Why I was afraid. It was a dream about how I went to school far away, came back... and my brother was gone, and my parents had changed the house into a farm and gotten rid of everything. Like most of the dreams I remember, only now I'm starting to get an idea of what it was I was afraid of.

And the other dream... I've had two that really impacted me. One I never ever /ever/ forgot, and have even told several people. It's shaped my life, just as it told me that it would (in a way). And another... was about death. Actually, I've had several dealing with death, but this one was the first that I really died... although it wasn't me. I don't quite know what to make of it, since it's so completely unlike me.

Other times, my delusions seem to tell a lot of what it is that I need to know or what is to come. I guess most people call them visions, but to me, they're just like "dreams." I get them a lot when I "dream," that's why.

Meteor

2006-05-09T18:35:00.000-10:00

It's probably a good thing that she's mad at me, I guess. At the very least, it's probably my turn to get the receiving end of all of it. Anyway, it's not like I could do anything but hint at something I only had feelings of, but didn't understand as clearly as I did to put into words... and she wasn't ready to hear it. As if "I told you so" would make anything better.

If she uses the fact that I'm withholding the conversation from her as reason to resent me, then I guess it's a "so be it" kind of thing. It's not kind and it's not open, but I don't think that releasing it will make things any /better/.... She's got enough to give her the opportunity to blame all of humankind anyway.

At this point, soda feels like liquor, but I'm not out to get drunk. It's more like something to... attribute? I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm not that willing to talk about it, but I'm not that pissed either. It's just more of "I'll see her next week or something" by this point.

I'm not about to shut her off or tell her off or anything, but it's not like I can act like a happy and fluffy person either. I care and I mean well, but whether or not that will be called into question later... well, mostly, it's a waiting to see if she'll take it under her responsibility to be... or demand it from someone else. It's not like I can blame her if she doesn't... but her life won't get better if she doesn't either. And so is the same decision for at least three others I could name right off the bat.

And of course that's how it is for me too, but most people don't believe that. They'd rather expect me to be perfect in their own way possible.

Anyway, we'll see how the day goes. It's been only "on call" only... which is kind of not-so-fun dealing with people... and how I haven't been able to deal with some other lower priority stuff.

Little More

2006-04-27T00:19:00.000-10:00

Today has been peaceful. Not in actions or words, but in my heart. Somehow it's a kind of "Shou ga nai naa" kind of smile that says that you can't help but love the troubles these people set on you.

I've also been listening to Hitomi music non-stop for over six hours now. Or at least when I've been listening to music, it's been by Hitomi. I've been online (that is, on AIM) today for the first time in a while... and my peace hasn't been disturbed. I'm glad I'm starting to learn. And love.

I've also been doing lots of reading and writing. It's been interesting, to say the least.

As I talk more, I can feel the irritation begin to wriggle at me... This must what controls me sometimes. Like leaves, the feelings scatter around me, twirl... until the irritation rises to the point that it's in my system... and it's hard to get rid of....

Dreams of words.... still gather in my head....

Pray

2006-04-25T15:18:00.000-10:00

I can't put it into words well yet...

But I want to love. I want to prove the love that I have for this world... the love that I have for everything around me... I want to make it substantial.

Love is probably not the strong enough word for it in English. Maybe caring, or even attraction. Or maybe even devotion.

Poker Face

2006-04-25T14:35:00.000-10:00

どれも恋しくて、どれも大切で、選べる訳がない。
少しだけ、微笑む表面。少しだけ、許す心。
どれも愛していたの、どの道も歩きぬきたかったの。
だからこそ、平和の歌を聞こえながら、迷ったままで。
背には、羽根のようにふわふわした、草の匂い。
雲を透かす太陽がやさしく暖めるのに、
自分が自分でどうしたいのか、全然わからないまま。
このくれた大切な時間を。
夢が繰り返しても、現実に醒めても、同じ意味を持つ人生。
嫌になるほどよく知っている形で、
幸せになってもいいほど思いがけない場面を見せて、
悲しいになるほど止めない気持ち、思いやり。
それがいけないことだとしても、尤もやらないといけない気持ち。
自分もいつか、どうなるのか。
この未来なんて、自分にとって、他人にとっても、意味があるというのか。
答え、信じ切れなったけど。
今でもそうだ。
もういい加減、何が何であるべきか、どうでもいいくらいに。
ただ、これが今。それだけだ。
嫌ではない。
むしろ、この世界の総て、愛していたと言うべきかな。

この世界を、新しい世界にするくらいに。
新鮮に。当たり前なんて、なくなるように。

Future

2006-04-25T14:22:00.000-10:00

It's been hard, recently, to find a way to grow. As it is, it's been a struggle to fight my own sickness and need to be a dead worm instead of getting anything done. My mom doesn't quite understand what it's like to not be able to study, although that's not her fault either.

Today my health has been good -- I even got to doing a few chores. I also got to read a little. I don't know why, but it's gotten to be that even writing in my personal journal is too forward and I don't want to say a lot. I just feel like I want everything to be quiet or something. I feel like I'm getting more and more quiet and shy or something. I don't know.

I also really miss my cd player. I don't know where it is, but the chances of it being lost forever are minimal. Still, I miss it. I miss listening to music too... although hearing the birds and traffic outside of my window with the occasional breeze is nice too.

All these feelings seem to float around me... glowing... twirling...
Which one should I catch? Which one is worth my time?
They all seem to be, and yet...

Even if it's just a little, my heart softens.

Pika★★Nichi Double

2006-04-05T19:44:00.000-10:00

What I have learned is that no matter what, a person will always have a reason for what they do. And the reason will be the truth. That there is a justification for anything anyone can do... and the truest way to live is to simply try farther.

Soba ni Ireba

2006-04-02T22:56:00.000-10:00

That song is stuck in my head.

But also, I feel as if I'm growing up, somewhat. Like a last part of me that has always been the final say on whether or not I've been ready for a relationship of any sort... comes to me. Somehow, I'm beginning to comprehend and feel a little bit more of adult-like things... and I hope that I can understand it well enough to teach and accept and cherish one day.

I'd like it to be something to cherish.

青春狂騒曲

2006-03-24T10:12:00.000-10:00

その言葉を何度も繰り返しても
分かり合える筈ないだろう
と思い込んで
自分を見失うほどの悲しさ
悔しさ　空ある道に迷って
何のために争ってきたんだろう
でも　今を思って
今だけこそは
今の生きる方法を考えて
自分でいていたい
悲しく　切なく　無力である
にもかかわらず　ただ
自分の思いの総て
現実にしたいだけで
ここまで辿り着いてきたんだろう

(semi-translation)
No matter how many times those words may repeat
I thought that they would never be understood
By anyone else
To the point that I cannot see myself
Lost in fear, sadness, frustration, and nothingness
I find that there's nothing worth fighting for
But now as I think of today
Because only today
I think of how I want my day to be
Wanting to be myself
Not for sadness, weakness, or despair
I came here
Just wanting to believe
That my feelings would become real.

Kanashimi wo Yasashisa ni

2006-03-08T23:41:00.000-10:00

Exhausted, weighted, stumbled to a crawl
The exercise of breathing is redemption
Breathe a hope into the sphere of light
And make this agony become a stairwell
To the upper limits

Poison

2006-02-22T01:40:00.000-10:00

Originally, I wrote this in Japanese. I'll just rewrite it in English so I won't be stuck trying to find the same words again.

Deeper than the soil of the forest and time
Look up to the stars with its breeze in answer
And feel; Up in the cloudless sky
Where will this future come to?
Even if we should lose the past we were a part of
The present will always remain

Even if we should lose the home to return to
We have our future in front of us
The feet won't stop for fate or fear
It's timee; We have to step forth on the land
Where sacred decisions are made

As I pray; As I wish
The sky darkens in anticipation
And the road becomes blocked
So we fly

Fly and reach for it...
The prize that you always wanted
There was never anything else worth wanting
From the very start.
Spread your wings for your sake
And for another's, For real, for fake
For the one that couldn't be here with you...
That fell behind

The eyes that we feel on our sight
Only the stars of the sky remain
When all is quiet
The dreams will comfort with the sound
Of another's heartbeat.

Telepathy

2005-11-01T21:26:00.000-10:00

Aaah, here's where I go 'I have a new reason to study now.' Because obsession doesn't cut it anymore, and my need to understand doesn't help or work while I'm sick and feeling out of the realms of time itself.

And so my need to study is no longer out of need, want, or desire -- It's love.

Heart on Wave

2005-11-01T19:07:00.000-10:00

I've finally managed to get to a point where I can somewhat study again, feel my mind learn and expand on something again. But it's not much and I feel slightly useless. I know I'm going to incur a debt on this in work, but somehow I feel that I'm okay with it, since it's not something I can do anything about. I wish I could, but the most I could do with my time right now is tutor someone else. It doesn't take as much energy but just a lot of focus.

It's still too far to reach another life, I suppose. I wnat to reach out to you, but I feel like it's just so far away now, like this. Perhaps you have known this feeling before. Maybe my thoughts could be brought to you, in this manner....

ああ、病気だからこそ、あなたの顔を見たいっ
この気持ちで溢れる掌で、あなたのひそめた瞳の奥に届けたい。

Put 'em Up

2005-10-25T21:07:00.000-10:00

I'm not sure exactly what changed about me from yesterday.
I'm not sure, but I feel saved.
I don't have the chance to indulge like I used to,
And I won't say that it's not a huge temptation.
But somehow, I don't feel controlled by it, anymore.
Dictated by it.
Influenced, yes. Drawn, yes.
Over it so badly that I can /breathe/ it, yes.

But at the same time, another thing changed about my addiction.
I don't need it like I /need/ it, anymore.
I'm still drawn and almost addicted, but it's not the same anymore.
I can /think/ and /feel/ about it, rather than just react.
It's a release, of a sorts.
It's a new freedom, of a sorts.

Even as I'm pushed towards the road of my dreams.

Harmony

2005-10-24T21:40:00.000-10:00

Mixed feelings, to say the least. Can't study very well, can't think, can't be distracted by reading for the next several hours. This is just one of those 24 hours... but I hope not, goddammit. I'm dead if it doesn't lift enough for me to finish all my assignments. *sighs seriously* I need a way to keep all of this together...

(Note: I'll change the title of this entry when I can find the title of the song.)

The Ways Of Love

2005-10-20T12:36:00.000-10:00

http://www.livejournal.com/users/matsukami/114677.html
(This is probably a later part of this post.)

What am I trying to do? I'm trying to live my life to the fullest. Easier said than done, though, but I'm trying.

I'm trying to live with my heart open wide, my mind open, and not simply as my ego dictates I do. I have to live as I truly believe, and I have to live as I truly love and feel. It doesn't sound hard, but it it's not easy. Not easy when society dictates that we lie or act parts often, to protect others.

It's hard to have your heart open and say something that may hurt another.
And it's hard to have your heart open and choose to do things that will affect you.

That's basically how I feel about my grades. I care, but I don't /care/ obsessively like I used to. I have that ingrained attitude inside of me still, but it doesn't mean that I want to act it fully out. Besides, I don't have anything to prove anymore...

But I have something to live for.

That something is to grow, within my heart and mind, and the connection between them. I want to have more than just that dream or object or whatever it is... I want to be able to stand out without my pride dictating that I do so, without my anger and frustration dictating that I do so, without my mind saying that I have to do so. I want to do it with my heart, with just the willowy stanse of someone who stands, not out of strength, but out of dedication. Out of love.

I want to live truly and fully for what I love.

Pretty Eyes

2005-10-16T21:44:00.000-10:00

The previous post was longer than necessary, but I suppose I need to write these things somewhere.

I can write to a decent extent, draw to a slightly better one, and visualize objects like nobody's business. My minor dexterity is awesome, my IQ and EQ are all well above average, but even with all that, I feel the lack sometimes.

Even though I have the ability to change and determine my future, I feel grasping.

It's not envy, but it certainly is avarice. It's not pretty, but it also has another side to it -- I'm afraid of my possible future. What kind of eyes will people look at me with? Will they see me with needy eyes, disdainful ones, or perhaps even with ones full of hatred? It makes me uneasy to think about it. Like my body will be taken from me... or my spirit raped.

I get upset just thinking about it.

On the other side, I wonder how much more could I do, if I just had more to work with. I know I would have more problems... I've seen the kinds of problems that such people hold inside themselves. But maybe I could do more than just max out the limits that my own mind has, in this poor little form.

Maybe, just maybe, I could make a real difference, other than just attract envy. But I know that's just stupid, because I would create more attention and envy within myself for that. Perhaps avarice is my biggest problem.

People want me for what I have, what I represent, and I want what people don't usually even dream of. And what I want materially, I tend to give away because then I can appreciate it /and/ know that it's used... and it functions as a gift, at the very least. People want me for never seeming to have any faults, even though I have so many that the list would just get too long. I just don't pay much attention to them, because I have to live with them.

Like one is my absolutely horrible inability to follow directions. I can follow them, but it's just very hard for me to get to the point where I really understand what it is that people want me to do, and then act on it. Perhaps it's just because people don't know what they want, or don't really care what they get for their wanting.

Or perhaps I'm just this mold of clay that has the ability to reshape itself into other people's dreams.

That thought is just too sad, though. It doesn't bother me to realize dreams (on the contrary), but being for other people... that's just too sad. I am never there for someone else... I'm too self-centered for that. I'm always there for myself, even if it's the myself I see in another person.

Sometimes, as you can imagine, this causes problems. And sometimes, I can't handle being around certain people.

Still, if I was better, then it might be possible to live impossible dreams as well, I thought. But even still... I know that's not the answer.

There's more to life than that.

Why?

2005-10-16T21:21:00.000-10:00

Some days, I'm quiet about where I came from, about where I had to go to get to here. People ask, but I just say that "I studied" to get to this level that I reached. If it's an anime fan, then I just laugh and say, "It was obsession." While both of those are true, I wonder how many people know what it's like to run into a wall... the same wall so many times, so many times that you become familiar with its smooth texture and reverse-telescopic effect when you look through it to the other side... and everything looks so far away....

And surpass it.

I wonder how many people would understand in that I still hit that wall, even now. Learning Japanese is oftentimes a constant struggle to "get nowhere," but it's also the most rewarding thing I have ever encountered, and perhaps, with that, it has taught me to be happy with what I have now in other things.

And in some ways, it has taught me to be humble, or to be self-aware. To look at other people that are more talented than you, more of a natural than you, people that take to it more like water while you have always been wary of the ocean... and not be jealous. Because you that sit out on the beach and watch the others have fun, slowly learn to walk on water, and bring the others through the water to see the ocean from the view of the sky and not just underwater where the light is wavy and sometimes dark...

And even without that, I would simply think that I have my own time, my own way of doing things. And I am content to sit at the edge of the water, looking out. Even though I want to be out there, I want to prepare myself. I won't just sit there, unaware of time. I want to appreciate the view from the beach even as I learn how to push myself to the water...

I want everything to mean something, like the words that I cannot understand, but only wonder at.

Eventually, I promise myself. Eventually, I'll be able to understand it, and until then... I'll work hard. I'll appreciate myself for what I have now and work harder to get more.

Some days, I am confident with myself. What more could I want? How could I wish that I was more talented than I am now, even while people look at /me/ with envy? But I look at the beauty in others, sometimes, and I wonder -- would anyone else really understand what it is that they see? Would they really understand the reflection that they see in everyone around them? Could they see their lives being fulfilled in others... their dreams in others... while they pursue their own?

If anything, I have a strong sense of myself. If nothing else, I will know myself better than most people will ever know their greatest love. It alone doesn't bring me happiness, but at least it helps me to bring me through this path that I walk, solitary. The destination of happiness is still the same, however.

I think that as I pick out what color I will wear tomorrow... and look at the socks that have yet to be chosen to match. I wait to see the weather for tomorrow to choose my outfit, since the clouds reflect my heart, and the more there are, the more obvious it becomes.

What are we searching for? What are we looking for? I cannot answer that, but I can at least point the way by what I have lost, by what I have surpassed. There are ways to get the material things that I have without the what I have learned along the way, but I chose these things to want because of what I would learn... and I feel as if I choose what I will love above my love for everything else for the same reason.

Where will I go from there? I can only wonder.

Flow

2005-10-16T21:20:00.000-10:00

雨、信号。

どうしてどっから行っても同じ所に行きたくなるの
どうしてどこに行っても同じ場所に惹いちゃうの
どこに行ってもいいと考えてるのに
やっぱり心が恋にしたのだろう
あの場所で、あの人に
同じ時ではなかったのに

Open Your Mind ～小さな羽根広げて～

2005-10-12T16:20:00.000-10:00

The direct appeal of experience
In the heart of disbelief
Waiting for the sky to change its color
Long before the sun may set

Distilling bravery
Forgetting pride
Renouncing ownership

Over the heart of the emotion shared
Among the rest of the sleeping world
Before it was something ever dreamed
Before it was something ever feared

There was truth.
There was love.

Commercial Break

2005-10-11T23:39:00.000-10:00

It's not power.
It never was.
It's not power.
Because it never could be.

So how do you train the soul to do more than rule your heart?
How do you have the power to turn your life around?
If it's not power that does it?

How do you prove what real strength is
When your only viewpoint of strenght is the results?
Can't you feel it in your heart?

The heart, mending together
Becoming one?
Fragmented so many years ago
Shattered by inexperienced hands
Put back together by tears and love
By what is
By what will be

By the strength of the soul
in forgiveness and grace

The Music Of My Heart

2005-10-11T23:22:00.000-10:00

And on some levels, I just want to understand. I want to read the sappiest things, and I'm actually starting to understand what they mean. I've never understood before... they felt alien and too touchy. Too meaningless to me. I want something to touch my heart... to help me to understand enough.

To make it stop.
To make it controllable.

But I can control it... it'll just take a lot of work. A lot of work. I just really really suck at it right now. I think Eri understood it better than I did myself. But it overwhelemed her too, in the end. I need to learn how to stand up against it... because I have to. Because I have to.

Just one of the many things I have to do that no one will ever expect me to, because maybe because I'm the first... even if I'm not.

And at the same time, I'm learning that I just can't turn off my caring at odd intervals for the sake of my modesty. That is, that's why my embarrassment and shyness flares up more now... because I don't snuff it out before it could form, anymore.

And this (different) song.... it's a remake, but it reminds me of the other one, which was a time that I could block out of my head, before, at one point. And now... it's a smooth transition. Between past memory and uncertainty.

I get distracted easily, now, with the different kind of loves. I keep trying to analyze them, trying to figure out why I didn't or couldn't feel them this way before.

And I keep getting distracted by my own failures to understand and /do/.

Listen To Your Heart

2005-10-11T23:02:00.000-10:00

The feeling of trying to control it... and focus... is like trying to control sex while in it. At least, for someone like me that doesn't know of such a thing, or for someone like me who has never known anything not under my own control...

It's probably why I read smut like that to begin with. Because it was the only case where I understood a lack of control. Otherwise, I felt it too distantly. But I'm not that interested in sex in real life either, so it's kind of a conundrum.

It's just a convenient way to make myself feel or feel as if I understand.

And now, as I read more and more fics, I find the similarities in myself to be a little too blatant to make me feel comfortable. I did say that I found Sasuke to be like a side of me that I don't usually show to people... and in some ways, that's still true. It's annoying that I could be that blind as well, but at the same time, I had to agree that I just didn't know any better. I just didn't understand.

I still don't understand, really.

I don't know why I'll kill myself for the person I love, and I don't know why I wish I could kill myself for something less. I wish I didn't hurt the person I care about so much, but I also wish I didn't know, not know... and I only think so very often that I don't deserve any of it.

Why should someone like me have something to make me more happy than I can already make myself? I have plenty already. But I had already proven that suffering equally for other people doesn't make suffering people happier. It may console in a dark way, but other than that, nothing really ever lasting.

Nothing like trying to lift them up as you walk your way onward.

And I live for myself. I live for others... I live to prove something. I live to prove this life of mine is possible, which is more valuable than my life itself. Otherwise, I wouldn't care if I lived or died. But I want to prove that it can be done... that people can learn to live, and be happy.

Even if they're set up for failure. We can all grow, we can all learn. Until the madness and corruption sets in, like it catches so many adults.

And sometimes, there's a moment of clarity and I wonder if maybe, just maybe, we were human to begin with. And it's not just something we grow into, because children and adults are monsters.

Where does that leave us, the people?

Is it the apocalypse? Is it the sign that the world is coming to an end and that we can start anew? Or is it just a sign that everything has been spiraling towards destruction as it has been, all along, and no one will ever learn anything enough to make anything ever /mean/ anything in life... in /their/ lives.

Sometimes I just get upset, because nothing ever changes, even when it can. Even when it needs to.

And so I wonder how we haven't destroyed the world yet.
We're certainly trying.

Maybe I need to stop trying, too.

島人ぬ宝

2005-09-28T17:17:00.000-10:00

It's becoming more and more natural to speak and think in Japanese. I don't usually say anything to my classmates in Japanese since I'm not confident enough to let it go like that, but it's getting to that point now, so it feels... different. It matches the changes that's going on in me, now that I no longer feel like I don't belong anywhere... I do now.

And let's see how far I can go with this.

Believe

2005-09-18T12:15:00.000-10:00

たとえ全てをなくしても、このままで歩いていこう・・・

Wake Me Up Beofre You Go-Go

2005-09-18T10:20:00.000-10:00

Enough people think that the reality that I live in doesn't apply to them, but the reality I live in applies to everyone in my mind. It's just that certain things don't activate due to other things through no real fault of their own...

But that it's a waste if they can't get their life to mean anything to them. I don't know how I learned how to make my life into something meaningful, or how I knew that I could. My life didn't always have a meaning, but it became into something that did.

I have a power that I know everyone could, if they knew. If they learned. But that learning is different for everyone, and what's right or wrong is so very difficult to say... and I think that laws and rules wouldn't work to lay down. The heart of meaning is what's important.

I wish I could just /teach/ it, just /grant/ it. But I can't. I can't just give people the ability to understand the feeling of everything having meaning, feeling, and joy, and the imperative to seek it out.

One of these days, I'll have to teach, I know. One of these days, I'll have to stand as the person I am now, as the person that they have to look up to... although I wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish I wouldn't have to assert myself in this way, to make myself into some sort of leader in this, but I do, I think.

With all the mistakes I've done, all that I still have to learn, I still do.

Why me?! Why me, who doesn't want to stand out or look like anything to anyone? Why me, who just wants to be myself, live happily in my own little world bubble... why do I have to... why am I the only candidate there is?

Why do I have to prove to them who and what I am? I wanted to keep my position as I was, with an equal... but at this rate, I will have none. I don't like it, but I wanted to be happy... and I wanted to prove to others that it was possible. Would they believe me? Would they understand? I don't know...

Crash and Burn

2005-09-18T09:51:00.000-10:00

Sometimes my insecurities try to overwhelm me... but I know that I can't let that happen anymore. I can't indulge myself on doubting on myself like this, on feeling like I'm an idiot and what was I thinking when I said what I did....

But I did and I have to live with it. And more than that, I have a future to live. That alone gives me the chance to keep going... the reason to keep going. I'm so sad sometimes, wondering if I will be the only one to become happy as I go along this life and road....

I've decided a long time ago that I would do this... and I've always had the utmost confidence that I could. Even if it was an uphill climb all the way, I knew that I could do it. Like most people search for success in their life, I search for this. I live for this. I will learn what I need for this.

Perhaps the hardest thing to take, though, is knowing that people will leave me for whatever reason because of this path that I've chosen. A friend that I could have had... may no longer stay because of the choices, mistakes or no, that I make throughout my life. I wish that learning enough would make it all go away, but I can feel that the only thing that will prove to be a consolation for that, is death.

Still, I wouldn't die for it. There's too much I have to live for. I haven't reached my destination yet. I have, in some respects, but it's only the point that I could see all those years ago... and there's more than that. I'm perhaps more human now than I ever really was. At least, I feel that way, when I cry now.

It's love that keeps me going. It's pride that told me that I could. Like how some people need love from another to learn this, I need to believe it from myself. It's not necessarily confidence, but I have to believe. Or maybe, it's true confidence. And with that, I can only try my best, and try again when I fail.

I just can't ever really fall again... because I love this life too much.

Time

2005-09-16T23:27:00.000-10:00

This is here because I fully intend on /deleting/ this post in a while. As soon as it fades.

I'm fighting a conflict in emotions and urges. This has happened before, in this more obvious state. Usually, it happens in a more "I'm lying to you but you know it but I know that you know that /I/ know..." kind of way. So this takes some getting used to, even if it's only like the fifth time it's happened like this.

Perhaps my first reaction was because of someone's comment that "they liked something with layers." How insulting. I certainly felt /that/. I could have done something more complex than that, but most people don't read that sort of thing, or they just don't comment on it. But then again, my stuff tends to have so many layers that even I can't keep track of them all, and they almost always have something on the surface to distract or make it look like the series it comes from.

But perhaps the other thing that got to me was that it sounded like someone who just dabbled in that sort of thing. It's not to say I was offended by that, but just that it sounds so /wrong/ from my perspective on things. There's no way to dabble in this sort of thing -- you just /live/ it. And once you do, you can't go back.

It just made me feel like I didn't belong in this world, kinda. Like I was an outsider looking in, no matter how in tune I was... I'd never be there.

End Roll

2005-09-09T00:06:00.000-10:00

First Choice:

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.
You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.
People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.
But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

Second Choice:

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

ココロチラリ

2005-09-08T23:28:00.000-10:00

Well, it turned out that nothing really went away. It's still the same difference, but just that I'm finding out exactly how different I probably will be for the rest of my life. It doesn't bother me so much, but I do find it strange/interesting/worthy of comment.

It just /feels/ different, and it's almost difficult to say how. Not quite difficult, but not in the same way either. I wonder how this came about, I wonder what I did that absolved me enough to get this far...

Feel My Soul ～戦いの中で～

2005-09-08T08:28:00.000-10:00

And after almost /losing/ it again, I think I need to be more careful of what I do. Falling into either cateogory, truly, will cause some problems for me at this stage and point. I need a cooperation, not a separation. Not a quarantine.

But maybe it's a cycle. Maybe it's a cycle that gets better every single time because I keep learning something about it. Maybe it's a spiral that will connect its way to the top...

Just Between You & Me

2005-09-08T07:59:00.000-10:00

Every single time now I get to the point that I feel as if I don't know what the point of my studying is becuase I can't understand so many things still and I have so much that I can but can't read...

Something is there to remind me how to be grateful, how to be happy. Somehow, I'm reminded of how glad I am to get to this point, of how /happy/ I am to be here. I'm so very glad to be here...

And I love the future that comes ahead of me.

もくまおう

2005-08-29T06:53:00.000-10:00

It hasn't been perfect. I don't know if I could really handle perfect yet anyway. I slip, but I remind myself that it's not a reason to just take a dive and see how far I can go, because I know I can go on for far longer than I can stay awake thank you very much.

It's been worth it, to some extents. To some. To others, it's a tie... and eventually, it won't be. I can feel that.

That's The Way I've Always Heard It Should Be

2005-08-24T20:32:00.000-10:00

そっか・・・考えちゃだめなんじゃなくて、むしろ、最初から最後まで考えやっちまったらいいんだ。完全にわかったら何とかなるとずっと信じてたから、今でもそうだって。禁止などな行動なんてないと思うから。大切なのは行動じゃなくて、意義だってわかったから。だってわかったから。

今でも、勉強によってそうだろうと思っている。愛情をちゃんと持てば、きれいな心を手に入れたら、自由になるよって。欲張りじゃなくて、甘えでもない。それはただ、愛情と認識だけだ。覚悟ってそういうもののだろうか。

The Downeaster Alexa

2005-08-24T19:57:00.000-10:00

I know what it is now... and I'm starting to get a hint as to how it came about in the first place... and why. I'm starting to more and more understand this for what it is... and why I have such a /hard/ time letting myself go from it. It's equivalent just as my phobias are equivalent.

I'm getting over my phobias slowly, but not completely. And I know I will have to let this one go, eventually, for me to finally receive it. There's no way I can receive it unless...

The only thing that seem to soothe my soul a bit is the OMG-like things around here and there that I run into. Kokoro wo iyaseru kara.

I don't like talking in code so much, but I have to be very careful with words here. Very careful, because anything that sounds like a promise will be broken; anything that sounds like a volition will be bent; and anything that sounds like a wish will never come true... in this land. This land, not the true land that I'm standing on... but the position on which I stand on right now, like many others before and will in the future.

Everyone makes this choice eventually, although for some, it's a loaded question. It's not fair until it's fully understood and fought for... and won.

Oh trees, let the stars shine brightly known
Oh sun, let the skies of rainy clouds show
Oh love, let the darkness erase its fears
Oh life, let the path to goodness be true as it clears
Oh God, let the prayers of the wayward and lost not be in vain

蝶

2005-07-16T10:10:00.000-10:00

これからどのぐらいに辿り着くのだろう。どのぐらいに成長して、強くなれるのかな。あたしがいつも成長してるんだけど・・・時々怖い。神様のご期待にお添いにすることができるのか、と。神様がいつもお優しいだけど、この私がこの立場になるなんて一度もお考えになったことないんだろう。

できれば、神様の夢を叶いたい。

Beach

2005-06-09T00:46:00.000-10:00

I finally found a reason to want to go into work. To look forward to it... I want to get it all over with, the worst part, that is. I want to get better. I want to make accomplishments, make progress. I want to learn enough to be able to pay back the annoyances and backtalking I do to my coworkers.

I argue too much, I'm not intimidated enough by authority. My idea of respect and being truthful is a bit too different from everyone else's. It takes a while before I find something that aligns itself with other people's expectations of behavior. I think that's why... I've always had problems, and also why I've always lived on the other side of the night sky.

Perhaps it's only now that I'm learning that I don't have to become a daytime creature to survive. I just have to be able to act like one when I need to, but also being my nighttime self is okay too. Whatever I need at the time is okay, as long as it's for the right reasons.

Every Breath You Take

2005-05-27T13:09:00.000-10:00

I managed to clean my room and the kitchen... and finally, the bathroom to a decent extent. I guess I should do some vaccuming while I have the chance.

Why do I do it? It's because I want to do something. Because I want to do it for myself, because I feel like it. Not necessarily because I have to, because if I did, I'd have it as my responsibility. But it's not, per se. And I don't always get a choice as to when either, not like if I really had responsibility.

I know now -- I act differently when I have responsibility. Such as with my own growth, I took responsibility over it. I fight against people's expectations of what I can do, because only /I/ really know what I can do. Most people just don't know me well enough to be able to do so otherwise.

*shrugs* It doesn't bother me, and I know I would argue it if it came up, really. In fact, my mind is making up arguments as I write... but it has none of the bitterness or resentment as before.

Aura

2005-05-27T11:44:00.000-10:00

I fear for others. But the word "fear" isn't the same anymore... it isn't as it used to be. I want to talk to Juri-chan, if I could help her. But I don't know if I could, with my words at this moment. I'm hoping that my state of awakening is pushing her enough...

I hope it pushes everyone I worry for.

I was afraid that it would make people hate me, but I realize that it doesn't matter. I have to try to make my life around me much better than it currently is. With what I know, what I understand, and what I really am. I'm not as wise as I make myself out to be, but I am learning.... and I am suited towards it. And in the kingdom of heaven, that's all that matters.

Even if it's no different from hell on earth.

Maile Lei

2005-05-26T01:24:00.000-10:00

I think I keep thinking about the streetlights... and my memories are reminding me... telling me what state of mind I'm in now. It's rather precarious in that I can't really /force/ myself to take advantage of what I have now, and instead, just wait until my wind, timing, mood, expression, blah blah blah comes into shape.

I'm in the position where I'm free to do whatever I want, but I can only go straight. Or crooked. Or whichever way I'm facing. I can't expect myself to change my own course at this point, and I can't expect myself to be more responsible than 'adequate' right now. I just simply can't... everything rebels at the thought/feeling/impulse.

The only thing that seems to work now is prayer... and because it brings my soul to the forefront and allows me to do things that I normally wouldn't be able to do, without forcing myself.

ずっとこのまま

2005-05-26T01:22:00.000-10:00

If Juri-chan constantly deletes, edits, and redoes her LJ, I keep redoing this. I'm just going to use it as scratch board, because I can't help but keep /writing/ stuff to think... and it's easier when there's a chance that someone will read it. Changes the way you write.

私らしく

遺書。

My Planet

Keep Trying

Kiss From A Rose

no title

For All We Know

Here In My Heart

You Give Me Love (cont.)

You Give Me Love

ＰＩＫＡ☆☆ＮＩＣＨＩ Ｄｏｕｂｌｅ

If I Ever Lose My Faith In You

I Got You

Love Me Tomorrow

Adiemus

All For You

Midnight Blue

Affirmation

私の太陽

Let Her Cry

Beautiful Noise

Love Life

Destiny

ふたりなら

The Downeaster Alexa

Small of Two Pieces

ハート

Chase the Chance

Dreams

Meteor

Little More

Pray

Poker Face

Future

Pika★★Nichi Double

Soba ni Ireba

青春狂騒曲

Kanashimi wo Yasashisa ni

Poison

Telepathy

Heart on Wave

Put 'em Up

Harmony

The Ways Of Love

Pretty Eyes

Why?

Flow

Open Your Mind ～小さな羽根広げて～

Commercial Break

The Music Of My Heart

Listen To Your Heart

島人ぬ宝

Believe

Wake Me Up Beofre You Go-Go

Crash and Burn

Time

End Roll

ココロチラリ

Feel My Soul ～戦いの中で～

Just Between You & Me

もくまおう

That's The Way I've Always Heard It Should Be

The Downeaster Alexa

蝶

Beach

Every Breath You Take

Aura

Maile Lei

ずっとこのまま

ＰＩＫＡ☆☆ＮＩＣＨＩ　Ｄｏｕｂｌｅ