I'm a hoarder. You don't see people admit that too often. I'm not sure why, since I know I have the tendencies. It's kind of obvious, and things I've learned about sharing (public versus private property, for example) and value in usage help me deal with it in real life.

In fake life, in video games, i let it run rampant. It's cathartic (I've never had to spell this word out before), and it helps me feel like I can let it out. I can be rich and use that rich on whatever I want in the video game.

Now the obvious question - where did this come from? You'd think the fear of scarcity comes from something, right? Of course I've always been conscious of money in a certain sense (tried to learn crafting or cooking that didn't use much money) but I've never been poor or worried about starving, right? So where did it come from? Not sure, perhaps I'm the insecure type to begin with, and the knowledge that medical has always been a worry (I live in the United States)...

Perhaps my attitude has always been a doomsday prepper of a sort. A pyschological one, rather than a material one. Maybe it's like a vice... related to this.

The breadth of human experience is amazing. I mean, it's so easy to hurt each other and do lasting damage. It's easier than our fumbling attempts at good, to think ourselves good, or to act as good, nevermind actually do good.

I hope the learning we learn will carry forth into the future.

 I keep saying this, but math in another language is really really hard. Like three extra calculations to every single little thing level of hard.

So playing Borderlands 3, for like the first time since the first dlc came out, was a struggle. It's enough of a struggle that I'm not sure if I'll be able to play it without a build guide because I can barely understand the skill tree. Like I can kinda decently read skill things and follow a narrative explaining them. But figuring out how they work in my head is a different story.

This is easy for people that don't do their own builds or min-maxing can understand, since they tend to struggle with this in their own language already. Or, you know, people that really suck at math. (The weird part here is that 'suck at math' is concept-wise in this case, not actual calculations.)

 A really interesting thing I'm only starting to be able to articulate coherently... is my experience in studying Japanese. Now, at the risk of identifying who I am, I have to explain a part of my family history - and that I come from the diaspora of Japanese in Hawaii from somewhere between 100 and 200 years ago. Most of these families dropped their language learning in World War 2 for what should be obvious reasons. And due their age, the language and culture is possibly a quite old one of peasants.

An example of this came up recently - I didn't grow up in a food culture that featured cheese. All Japanese people now know cheese, probably leagues upon leagues better than I do. Of course it doesn't help that lactose intolerance runs in the family, but more than that, the only exposures I really had to cheese were things like mac n'cheese and pizza. I learned about string cheese from my haole (white) friends in intermediate (middle school). Sidetracked, but a good anecdote to explain how different my experience is from modern Japanese culture.

It is most likely that my parents show a local accent to Japanese rather than their original ethnic one. I know little about my father's side other than that they're Okinawan and most likely speak both Okinawan and Japanese. My mom's side comes from southwestern Japan and the last one that spoke was my Grandmother. I know I have this accent because of the things I struggled to learn to pronounce correctly in Japanese (Hawaiian, for instance, has a lot of vowel dipthongs so the temptation to pronounce them as in Hawaiian is really strong). Oddly we're half-and-half on the problems of vowel length as both Hawaiian and Japanese have long and short vowels, but this was not really... emphasized in my Hawaiian classes in elementary and intermediate. Just brushed over and you're off.

Anyway I never got to my point here. The thing is that learning a language like Japanese when you're ethnically Japanese is like having an invisible disability. You struggle so hard and so long... for what? And with having a foreign language as a degree, everything is about self-motivation. Drive. What would you study a foreign language for, for people that expect you to know it through and through, inside and out? And it's not like I don't look Japanese (well, I look East Asian due to the Okinawan so I've had everyone from Filipinos to Cantonese speakers asking me if I'm their ethnicity). But hey, at least I can read body language and didn't skimp studies out in that too (because you do have to learn that in another culture also).

I guess my brain is not all there because this isn't a really good essay. I'd probably need at least ten more rewrites before this is something worthy of public domain.

Anyway the feeling of judgement that you sound retarded or something (who are not really dumb but yeah) or even if they know you're from an immigrant family, look at you like you were too lazy to learn the parents' language. I dunno. Quite frankly I don't take judging looks as badly as a lot of people I could name, but imaginary ones feel really bad too.

Even in school (college but I call it school like a little kid) I had a weird position as one of the few kids not bilingual in my classes, not exposed to the language on a consistent basis, and I read a hell of a lot better than spoke or heard (I had to do my own version of cram school when I transferred to university to be able to kinda understand what my teachers were saying). Of course part of this is really common for someone with my brain... type, but at the time I was really alone. 

And every single time I dealt with something in Japanese, I would always be alone.

 よくある事だが、思考が半分日本語になってる。理由は、思考がよく回らないからとか最近ラノベ読んでるばかりからとか。

As I have a lower mental capacity now due to the treatment of my condition, I am reminded as to what it takes to be able to read. Besides the ability to focus, the ability to think while considering the meaning and intent of words is not a simple task and could be considered multitasking, except that for it to happen, usually one must become proficient enough at one task to be able to completely focus on the other.

I feel like I've learned a lot about dealing with myself over the past year, but also I know how handicapped mentally and physically I feel. Sometimes it feels so bad that games and books are my only escape. I'm not good at watching things so I don't especially watch videos (except youtube). I understand it as that keeping pace with a video tires me out emotionally, since I usually use that ability all the time.

I'm unable to reflect and analyze my own writing to a large degree. I can do it, but it is slow because I have to use different parts of my brain than I normally would to make up for the loss. Pretty much only a fever would help me out (because my brain works better at a higher temperature for some reason).

I've more or less given up on my live journal because I can't be bothered to keep up with the login verification. Since this place doesn't require that since it was absorbed by Google (all those years ago) I can place my thoughts here, such as they are.

今も考えられる範囲が・・・狭っているというより限られている、その言い方の方が合ってる気がする。言葉も使う機会あまり無い上に会話の方が苦手だった私ならここで気軽く書ける。