no title

It's one of the few... or even the first time that I feel like I want, or need that intimacy. Sex is not required, but I feel like it's a part of it. I feel like I'm starting to understand what it is all about... at least on this level. It's still a small beginning, but...

It's probably in this that he leads me, since he seems to be the one that has a better idea of what it all is. Not a huge surprise, with as hard as his life is, he didn't associate sexual or intimate as anything bad or leading to disaster... or block himself from it all.

I get the feeling that naturally I still would not score high on the sexual scale... but not with the problems I have now.

For All We Know

The intimacy scares me. I don't know what it is, but it's probably because it's so unknown to me... I can't imagine being so much more closer to anyone than close friends. The idea of being touched physically at all... is uncomfortable. The actual action is not so much so, but that doesn't mean I don't get nervous, since I don't know what to do or say -- restraint is something that is ingrained for me.

Not to mention that the hardest thing to me is seeing people look at me. That probably bothers me the most, since I can't really trust my friends to /not/ react. Restraint is easier than facing the consequences.

Here In My Heart

In a way I understand, and yet I don't -- how can I be like this? I understand that I had to have been born with this, but in reaction instead of shrinking back like I want to, I end up snapping. I'm afraid, but the person I really am in this case... is not something I can consolidate easily.

Even to my mind I know it will not be like that -- the thought seeing him after all these years makes me smile just as I did, all those years ago. Even if nothing had happened, I know I would not be able to hide my reaction.

I've been talking to him a lot recently, telling him what I've known. Things I've tried to write down, but merely ended up being ignored as all other people take it as something incomprehensible... until they're in a situation that I tell them that it applies to. Anyway, I can tell that about half of it has stuck -- which is a lot higher than anyone else, especially when one considers that I stuffed him with as much as I possibly could...

I wonder if he thinks me wrong now. I really don't know why no one considers -- okay, nevermind. The answer came to me on that -- because the implication of me being right is very "troublesome," to say the least. For the same reasons that I had hoped that I myself was not right... even if it is a more elegant answer, it's very complicated in application... and very difficult to deal with.

Then again, it could have just been denial. Denial is an alien concept to me -- advanced disassociation is more natural to me, because the only way to get past my own awareness of myself is to make myself so messed up that I can't be sure what's going on... or what I'm supposed to and not supposed to think.

As for someone else, no matter how I think about reassuring him, I don't regret it. He needed to hear it and he can always shape up later. To be more cynical, it's not like it would have made him show up less or more anyway.

Certain problems I'm learning to be patient... even though I don't feel very patient about it.. Starting to feel less scared about the idea of people I haven't talked to in a while...

....

Ah, I think I know what happened now. I had been that way from the start, but was dealing with it well, even if I didn't fit in. Then things more or less shattered... and some of it continued to develop (my outward appearance -- what I rarely use), while my inner more or less froze to the point of regression. Because I no longer trusted people, my natural doubt went through the roof... and I let it go.

But I had a strange system, eventually -- I trusted no one, but I was cautiously careless -- I knew what I let out and let be seen by which eyes, all the time. It helped me be somewhat open, but in control and safe from betrayal (if I knew it could come, I could prepare). It's kind of hard to imagine using up that much energy and brainpower to do that, but I know I did.

After that, being on the internet and watching my personal information was relaxing. I guess it kind of explains why my regular abilities might be stronger and better now, if my priorities were so different then. But I don't know, since it was so long ago... and I had little to interest my focus and I had no tenacity.

Anyway, as a result I have this huge disparity in how I deal with people, all depending on how I feel.

You Give Me Love (cont.)

Fate is a word I want to make obsolete.

You Give Me Love

I want to strangle someone.

It happens sometimes, that my mood will flip out. I'm fairly certain what causes it. In some ways I hate being so responsive, but in others, I somewhat berate myself for being so callous.

It feels like I'm babysitting these people because they get all these ideas into their heads when all they have to do is learn to stand up and look straight ahead. Of course, easier said than done -- in fact, thanks to the world we live in, it's very difficult and oftentimes discounted as unfeasible or unreasonable.

Sometimes I see claws or knives... like everything about my hands and self are incredibly sharp and will cut people open without even meaning to, especially if I'm irate.

Sometimes I see wings... like I could fly in the right world, but unfortunately, not the real one. And as if my wings have a power to them that has nothing to do with flying at all, but everything to do with freedom and will.

I ask myself why is it only me, and not someone else too. But truly, there must be others. People with wings I cannot see, because people are good.... well, some are really so. They must have the power to change the world... but sometimes, I wonder if the people that exist will ever let them, or continue to be blinded by their own fates.

I feel like I'm spitting out Holic now when I say this, but it's something I've been spouting off even before that series came out -- when you change yourself, you can change time. Your past, your future, and even your present.

Even now, as I ask questions for myself, I can hear the answers, even as my ego wants to deny that they're there and just mourn and lament over this stale world....

ＰＩＫＡ☆☆ＮＩＣＨＩ Ｄｏｕｂｌｅ

叶えたい夢・・・広がらせたい希望の無限の可能の森
見つめてる夢・・・思いがけない未来の花びら
考えてる夢・・・想像できないぐらい真実という事の姿
悩んでる夢・・・手が届かなさそう感情や思いやり
怖い夢・・・成長のせいで、離れて行かなきゃいけない事
傷付かれている夢・・・自分の夢見てることがくだらない、と思わせる事

でもそうじゃない
自分が自分で、一つの人生の可能性の実行
そして他のは自分じゃない、自分にありえない可能性が叶う広い世界
他の道で、私が何を見てるのか解らないんだろう
自分が見えるのに、他の人は見えないらしい

そして希望の夢・・・自分にされて嫌な事を人にしないように

If I Ever Lose My Faith In You

La la la
La la la la lalala
Lala la

For some reason, I feel closer than I ever have before... and I almost feel as if I need nothing more...

I Got You

If I were to be brutally honest, Sassy (for lack of a better nickname) reminds me of myself. Not all the time, but enough of the time to matter. Tsundere (depends), prideful, and probably will never cry in front of the one they love unless they honestly believe that they'll lose them. At least, not before being settled or anything like that.

Unromantic would be another. My words still sometimes gets too blunt and unexpected for people. Stubborn, sometimes an ass, etc.... haughty sometimes... what other unattractive features can I add to this list? My looks aren't that smooth though... but then again, it's not like I care enough (the hassle is not worth it) to make them that way.

There's this hum in my head when I'm around him, but I can surpress it if I have to. Still, it seems cruel to do so. Like he'll dry up without the moisture. Maybe it's with that stuff that we don't question or doubt that much.... just ourselves.

Watching my own interaction with him is something that never ceases to bore me. I probably think it to death, but that's actually natural for me by this point. I do that for everyone else too, just no in the same way. Not on the same level, definitely.

It'd be a massive invasion of privacy even by /my/ standards if I were to try that with anyone else. Or maybe it wouldn't. I don't know, but I feel like I should keep my distance, because it's invasive to do that to someone else. To see more than just their heart and soul.

Maybe I should. Maybe then they wouldn't doubt whether or not I care... or if anyone ese cares. Maybe then all people wouldn't feel so separated. I don't know. I don't kow the boundaries between these kinds of things so well. Love, love, and love.

Perhaps the reason I don't do it because people would misunderstand what I mean. I guess all people can't tell the difference -- which is why there's all that drama -- I'm just one of the few that recognize their own lack right off the bat.

Under a bond like that, though, my face would change. I can't help it, and... it looks completely different. Probably impossible to smooth over, though, given how many issues each person has. *sigh* Ours were/are bad enough as it is...

In some ways, that feels more like the Christian belief of being related to someone beyond birth.

Love Me Tomorrow

Somehow, I am not so bitter anymore. Somehow, I cannot help but see how these things happened, how they fell out... how they just... are, in my past.

Somehow my heart is somewhat of a boy's, and sometimes, it's uninterested at all. Sexuality was always overrated.

Sometimes I deny myself this, because I don't feel it's always very appropriate. But I get the feeling that doing so actually causes me tons of problems and awkwardness.

Who am I in my mind? What kind of sky do I see, and how old am I? I know I certainly don't have the heart of a man (hence the use of the term boy) and I'm closer to woman than anything else. But probably more accurately, I don't really have the heart of anything at all. At least, not like that.

I'm a person before gender, before sexuality. Much before.
I wonder if I'll ever have the confidence to balance myself on this subject. The meager amount that it's tipped in a given direction.

If I were a boy, would I be gay? *snort* ....Probably. What kind of bullshit question that implies, I'm not sure. In any case, I wonder if my guyish-ness has something to do with all of this... that is, my general disinterest. I never feel doubt that I'm female, though.... but no usual interest.

It's strange for me to talk this way on a journal -- more like how I talk in person. That is, in attitude.

I always feel so uncomfortable dealing with feminine girls. I feel like they are as uncomfortable with me as vice versa. A few are not, though. Well, that and people that strike me as more well-adjusted/normal to society. I'm a little too used to not being accepted by that... and even the normal version of the estranged.

Still, going back to the original subject that brought this all on -- romance. I want to see the face of my own romance, of what kind of flower it would bloom into and all that. It's partial curiosity by this point (after writing all of that, sure it is) and considering how I am, I won't know until it happens. Or even during months after, because we all know that I'm temperamental and moody.

I dislike him getting the brunt of any of it.

Adiemus

I feel.... I finally feel like I can grieve for everything. Everything that's ever happened to me, that's... I don't know. I just feel like I can grieve now. And somehow, that feeling of grief seems to complete something.

Like I can finally grieve for the death of my past... not that it doesn't exist anymore, but that it doesn't live. I think I'm finally understanding the last emotion... or one of the last. There's probably a few others that I'm missing still, but this is one of those that are important to me.

I don't know where I'm going on from here. I don't think it matters how long it took me, or why. But... I feel like I understand. I feel like my dreams... are starting to make sense to me.

My sight... I think it was damaged. From the beginning, maybe, or maybe before I could remember, which could have been anytime up until intermediate. Truthfully, I always felt protected for that. Because then I couldn't see all sorts of things I shouldn't... or would just cause more problems.

Wings... a form of protection?

All For You

I'm probably still undecided on what the direction to take in my life... which is perhaps not the most surprising thing ever. Still, I'm slowly gaining enough information and experience to make a decision in my heart without having to go over the edge about it. Until then, I don't feel exactly easy to meet with the religious group people. I understand that they'll be nice, but I don't feel ready.

Also, speaking of trust and confidence, you know that your boyfriend loves you when you cut him off on the telephone and give him an excuse like "I was dual-wielding on MS" the next day and it works. It's true, though.

And... I guess my drawing reflects how my attitude towards art itself has. It's less timid... less "colorless." I don't feel in shock, but more wonder. I wonder if I will actually be able to pursue art even more, to the point that I can be a "true" member of MB.

These days the voice of my own screaming is not as loud, and I can hear more outside... but even when I can't, I feel more at ease than before.

I just hope I get enough sleep.

Midnight Blue

After all this, after all the... sunken depth, only here is where I begin to think about love. Other than then, I haven't been able to think of it. I feel the temptation to hate myself, to hold myself in disdain. But the truth is, is that I learned a lot for it. I feel more like I can act as myself more, instead of through my arrogance.

I feel like I'm learning the meaning of song, of people's emotions, of the mistakes that we all make, keep making, on and on without end or originality...

Part of this has taught me that life is so very precious indeed, and not just as a concept or moral to live by. I think... that after the first tower is torn down, a second, more understood one, can be built. It's with this optimism that I'd like to continue on with my life, and not deem it a failure.

To start with that, I want to do things that have a meaning for me, and not a 'waste of time/space'.

Affirmation

The sky is going to turn me in half, in blue and black and white, and without... I'll see ghosts, hear words, hear the heart of the one I wanted most... all if i do this, if I do this the flowers will grow without even effort, except i will just be, without effort, i know what will be, where will i go, the world will change, will the world will change with me, or will i change it without it...

if i believe in myself, if i believe in my own worth, will everything.... do i need really... do i really need promises to bring me what it is that i need to do? I know what it is that must be done, because it is time that is coming to me... and everything around me will change, although i cannot say how long it will take with me...

this is what i wanted, because i wanted to make a difference in my life... the gift of language, the gift of sight, the gift of hearing, of senses, of smell, of feel, of imagination... of temporary insanity...

i'll get another headache before long. i know it, and i know why. this will be a shift deep enough to have repercussions that will give me a massive headache and messed up brain...

and that is why i wrote it. because i was going to die, like this. and this death... this change... will bring the future predicted... the wish that i dreamed... the wanting... the mixed conspiracies... the non-acknowledgment... the unknowing... but even still, the change will bring the change. the future. the beginning.

And now I realize... that the purpose of language will be very different from what I've been looking for, or even expecting.

[to be continued in matsukami]

私の太陽

知らない顔の雲の空に上向く
太陽の分からない夜空の星たち
雫のように落ちる
春雨

Let Her Cry

I wish words could describe what this is like. I can't purposely hurt, and I can't presume to bestow it. It just is, and it's stronger than me. Or somewhat. Actually, I could override it, but it's not beautiful.

And... it cannot be with the intention of hurting anyway, so....
Ah, I see. It wouldn't have been so strong unless.....
Unless this is at a deeper level than I'm aware of.

I know now, unfortunately. I will turn it off, whether I like it or not. I'll protect myself, whether I like it or not. And then... if anything should happen, it would be automatic... and only if I were told that it wasn't a good idea, then it wouldn't be completely cut off, but a definite stranglehold.

Beautiful Noise

Things seem to be coming together, finally. At least solidifying a bit. Not feeling so fragmented right now, but not fully there yet. Just like it's starting to make its permanent stay.

At first, it was all I could do feel and think at the same time. Freely, with mobility and flexibility. But now as I'm reading more, I find my back seeming to come back to my heart. Like I can be standoffish /and/ feel at the same time -- a harder feat than I would originally think. At least, without a block.

I can feel my uneasiness too at the same time, which is new. It's not that I couldn't feel it, but it didn't register in the same way. It didn't process entirely, like it seems to begin to now. And when I think about the person I am now with what I can do in terms of what I had wanted, I feel grateful.

It's bad enough as it is to feel like I can't think. What torture someone else above me would go through... again, this is not exactly a coherent post. I'm not in the most coherent mood... even though I'm able to identify (slightly) what's going on.

Love Life

Currently debating whether or not to post it (the previous poem) on DA, but currently, the sentiment is "no," not out of embarrassment, but more that it's personal and hard to explain. The image is generally, "I'm in love." I'd like to write more of any sentiment / emotion that comes to mind, though.

I dance (more like spin) around the forest of my dreams
Someplace I've never been, but you brought me here (and gladly I am)
Touch the river (stream, brook) and see the fish before they swim
Our fingers touch below the cooled depths, it's just a dream
But it's real to me; I cry and I feel the tears through the rain (it's a rainforest, after all)
Taste the saltiness of the sweat in the sky, watch the cold ice of the stars
Farther from where I am now, but when I am not here, I will be (as always)
You touch me and I doubt you believe, but then I look up in your eyes
And I realize that you always have
and I was wrong
And I wonder why I'm competing or comparing at all --
Why can't we just be two people who love? (it's not for me)
For honesty's sake
for happiness's sake
For the sake that I have been in love with you from almost the beginning
Although I have no memory of it starting, and I remember it not being love at all
In benefit that I wanted to prove
I wanted to believe in myself
To love myself as I have loved you, and do (still, always, forever)

http://matsukami.livejournal.com/255713.html

Destiny

I've forgotten how it feels to write poetry. I like doing it... and it helps, like free prose. First song played was "Sunny Came Home," but it ended just before. So now it's "Destiny."


Sometimes I want to ask you what color the sky is,
but you would smile at me as if I were crazy
But I am

Sometimes I want to ask you what you taste like,
but you can't answer me, because I'm too afraid
And I am

And sometimes, I want to ask what it is that you see in me,
but even though I know, I don't want to
But I do

And sometimes, I want to dance in the skies as it rains of stars
and you will reach out to me and laugh in timeless pleasure
And you would throw my heart and wits farther than the wind's sigh
and the skies would light with dawn and love (although the stars sing too)
And I would wish upon the Venus that can be seen beyond the sky (sunshine or rain)
That you could see me tonight (and tomorrow), and smile
And cry if you need to, because I know I do
Even if I don't know how
I want to

(and I do)

ふたりなら

The eyes that look for me; I want to see them in life.
The face that seems beyond the mist; I want to see the truth.
The words and breath that fade
The silence that prevades and the ache that hums like noise
Could I ignore this like before? Could I not ignore the change within me?

The eyes that begin to see the truth,
The fear, the wisdom, and the growth that cannot be undone;
The heart that begins to feel, no matter what the cost,
The gentleness, the weakness, and the touch that can no longer be ignored;
And I can only think, "I'm becoming something. Something different."

"What did I make myself out to be?
Why did I want to change?
What awaits me in heaven?"

Will I have the courage to learn what true happiness is?
The opportunity... that perhaps came to me more than just once.

The Downeaster Alexa

It's becoming more and more common for me to be able to think of myself in more than just third person... to even the point that I can see myself from another perspective, as if I was someone else.

And it occurs to me... many things. Strange thoughts, almost like dreams, somewhat.

"Is it a sign of the connection to the need to do something that will develop the self that even when losing consciousness (awareness, that is), she will still do things that will be somewhat useful later?" (It's bulky in words... especially in English.)

And come to think of it, that's true. I consciously tried to imprint it on my mind when I learned of how my mind worked, and how certain things did certain stuff for me. Since it's frequently hard to quit something, I just modify it into something that I can get away with... or at least let myself get away with.

And it's with this, that I can really think freely in another language... and it's also that I finally can see the expression on another's face, their words... and begin to feel it as if it were my own.

Like my world has opened, and I'm no longer... ever...
Alone. Stupid... stupidly by myself, stubborn...

Like I don't have to read the words on a screen to be able to understand anymore. I can hear it, I can see it... and I can understand it in all its shapes and forms... Or at least begin to, as I am now. And I want to try.

I guess I'm not a born teacher, although I can do it really well. More like... a person that journeys. And hopefully this time, it's to a world that everyone exists in... just like I had dreamed of all those years ago, actually...

Amazing.... I "forgot" I dreamed of it...
But I did...

Small of Two Pieces

I can only wonder what will happen after I acknowledge my own insanity... and my own abilities that surpass even my own hopes and fears. Things I knew, but required my delusions to acknowledge and use properly... Might not require that after I gain the abilities to believe and use them.

Things I dreamed of... things that I dreamed... things that I predicted.... things that I didn't even understand then...

They're all going to come in play.

... ... ...

God is there. Even if I can't feel him, he's there.
Just like the one I love. Even if I can't feel it, it's there... and it will always be.

It has always been the same to me, at the centermost points.

ハート

My mood became... unable to be controlled after that incident. It wasn't the worst, it seems, but it did make it harder and more and more impossible for me to deal with people. Even though my first reaction is to go away from people, I didn't realize that it's apparently not running away -- I can't operate without being able to think or meditate away from people.

About the incident itself... I'd like to think of it as a sign that my heart is growing up. I won't say much more than that... because all is quiet.

Chase the Chance

After talking with Koinu-kun, my fears are calmed, a little. I still see the same things ahead of me, but I somehow, I feel more like I know what it is that I must do to make my way for myself.

(I'll probably move this to LJ after.)

Dreams

I've always heard dreams and such of people, but really, I don't feel a strong connection to such things. But recently I've found out that it's perhaps because these things are so normal to me that I think so little of them. In some ways, my dreams, my nightmares, my waking dreams, and my delusions.... are exactly what people were looking for.

My earliest dream I remember is something I remember crying and being scared of, but unable to tell my parents exactly why it made me sad/scared. It didn't make sense, but privately, it did. All my 'nightmares' were like that.

The first one I remember is a monster in the kitchen, forcing my parents to work. It was mean and it tied them from doing anything. I cried, unable to free them. I must have been about four or seven years old at the time. Another dream I had around that time was of water... and of some people drowning, my mom being afraid for me (since I can't swim), but I was not afraid. This one wasn't even a nightmare for me, but didn't make any sense to me. Still, it did tell me that I wouldn't be afraid... that much I knew.

The third I had was when I moved houses. I thought I was too old to be afraid for such dreams, but again, I couldn't explain to my mom why I was crying. Why I was afraid. It was a dream about how I went to school far away, came back... and my brother was gone, and my parents had changed the house into a farm and gotten rid of everything. Like most of the dreams I remember, only now I'm starting to get an idea of what it was I was afraid of.

And the other dream... I've had two that really impacted me. One I never ever /ever/ forgot, and have even told several people. It's shaped my life, just as it told me that it would (in a way). And another... was about death. Actually, I've had several dealing with death, but this one was the first that I really died... although it wasn't me. I don't quite know what to make of it, since it's so completely unlike me.

Other times, my delusions seem to tell a lot of what it is that I need to know or what is to come. I guess most people call them visions, but to me, they're just like "dreams." I get them a lot when I "dream," that's why.

Meteor

It's probably a good thing that she's mad at me, I guess. At the very least, it's probably my turn to get the receiving end of all of it. Anyway, it's not like I could do anything but hint at something I only had feelings of, but didn't understand as clearly as I did to put into words... and she wasn't ready to hear it. As if "I told you so" would make anything better.

If she uses the fact that I'm withholding the conversation from her as reason to resent me, then I guess it's a "so be it" kind of thing. It's not kind and it's not open, but I don't think that releasing it will make things any /better/.... She's got enough to give her the opportunity to blame all of humankind anyway.

At this point, soda feels like liquor, but I'm not out to get drunk. It's more like something to... attribute? I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm not that willing to talk about it, but I'm not that pissed either. It's just more of "I'll see her next week or something" by this point.

I'm not about to shut her off or tell her off or anything, but it's not like I can act like a happy and fluffy person either. I care and I mean well, but whether or not that will be called into question later... well, mostly, it's a waiting to see if she'll take it under her responsibility to be... or demand it from someone else. It's not like I can blame her if she doesn't... but her life won't get better if she doesn't either. And so is the same decision for at least three others I could name right off the bat.

And of course that's how it is for me too, but most people don't believe that. They'd rather expect me to be perfect in their own way possible.

Anyway, we'll see how the day goes. It's been only "on call" only... which is kind of not-so-fun dealing with people... and how I haven't been able to deal with some other lower priority stuff.